Ever since I started dating, guys have always wanted sex to be on the table and I of course resisted quite adamantly giving numerous reasons such as: I am a Christian, I am a virgin, I am keeping myself till marriage, it’s that time of the month, I am just getting to know you etcetera. Some guys have understood and let it go whilst for some others not doing it was exactly the deal breaker for them. For one guy, he struggled with the idea all the time, so one minute he would say yes he understands and the next day no it’s absurd. One day, he finally decided he can’t but not have sex on the table and my reasons for not wanting it were childish, and thus began the end of a promising relationship.
Via this platform however, I wish to speak to the minds of all women out there who have held back on sex in relationships and share those emotional reasons for why myself and other women withhold sex. I hope I find a kindred spirit here.
Boils down to trust:
We don’t trust that it is not just about sex with you. The simple truth is that guys push harder for sex more than girls. Yes we want sex but we don’t want it as much or as badly as you make yourselves out to want it. And the simple truth is the more you push and prod and ask and plea and beg (tautology for emphasis) only makes us suspect your motives even more after all you won’t be the first guy to try this and until you gain our emotional trust, you are a suspect.
It will go a long way if you first love us without the sex and show that you have our best interest during the waiting period just to build the lady’s trust. Because the bottom line is to us sex is a big deal and by withholding sex we are only just protecting our emotions just in case you are just another f**k-up.
BC (Body Count):
While Nigerian Men have no qualms about the number of sex partners they have had, Nigerian Ladies are in a perpetual torment about increasing their body count. It is just female psychology, don’t let’s confuse it with a lack of feminism and while some guys will fault this psychology invariably I can’t blame ladies for thinking this way. Many ladies still want to be regarded as decent girls irrespective of them having little or average sexual experience. Even the lady working hard in a brothel, likes to clean-up nice and hide the evidence whereas Mr player-player doesn’t really care.
So unless women are addicted to sex or we have decided to make you our MAGA (wherein from the onset we understand that it is a biz relationship) sex to women is a BIG DEAL. Women have a stronger emotional reaction to sex than men. So before we give you that level of control over our emotions, we want to know if you are in for the long term or only to literally chop and clean mouth.
With having sex, an already emotion-laden woman loses more clarity in her thinking. Sexual healing gets more in the way of her thoughts than you imagined. Truth be told, it is just better for women to be on top (not literally) of some major relationship issues before “doing it” because that we can do it with a clearer head.
4. Virgin or not
Contrary to what many guys believe, your virginity status has nothing to do with being ready for sex in relationships. Many ‘considerate guys’ will only make the ‘sacrifice’ to wait if it turns out she’s a virgin, but this is just an insult to every woman. Your virginity is not the lock on a door that once it’s broken into, you should leave the door swinging wide open for every Tom, Dick (pun intended) and Harry you date to take a dive through. Virginity means you’ve had sex at least once, the lack of it is not permission for any, and every new date to assume you are ready for sex again. Many guys act like you’re ‘cheating them’, hey if you gave it out once, then why not to me? Answer- you simply haven’t merited it and harping on my virginity as your reason to get what you want is just petty, selfish and manipulative! Dude give it a rest!
5. It’s not proof of our loving you
I have had a guy tell me once that the reason why I am playing with his feelings is because I have not slept with him yet (Ludacris right). How is sex the magic that makes a woman fall in love with you, it can make her confused, but in-love? Sex is not how women show that they love you, neither is it how men show they love you. Sex is additional intimacy and unless you’re into the on-night stand type of life, many women want to have sex with a man who cares about them for real! and that means a man who loves them before they do-the-do. So Guys get over this technique, I will not sex you to prove I love you.
I know it’s a tough dating world out day, but don’t give in to sex for the wrong reasons, and don’t budge because you’ve had your virginity too long (it doesn’t expire) or cos someone is promising you love after bumping genitals. In this happy-go-lucky world, don’t be afraid to hold out for what you want, whether it’s sex in a loving marriage or sex in a loving relationship (yes pastor, fornicating sex). Have sex when you’re ready and not before, there’s a lot of stress involved in having sex that you really shouldn’t deal, because someone’s forcing your hand or knacking your head with guilt trips.
All the best ladies! share your own holding out story with me, by leaving a comment below.