Female Orgasms: Myths and Facts


Recently, I was part of a twitter conversation that helped to remind women that they deserved to have an orgasm as much as their man. One of the things I took out of this conversation was that many women still view sex as their duty or they are simply no longer optimistic that they should/could get anything out of sex other than making a wonderful baby. There’s nothing as mind blowing as your first orgasm, and the reverse is that there’s nothing as annoying as feeling sexually frustrated after the act.

Do you have Anorgasmia?

Anorgasmia is an inability to reach orgasm and is thought to occur in about 10% of women. Anorgasmia may be either primary (meaning you have never been able to reach an orgasm by any means) or secondary (meaning an orgasm was experienced at some point in the past but you can’t get there again). It may also be global (orgasm is not experienced by any means) or situational (orgasm may be experienced in certain sexual situations but not others; for example, some women orgasm with manual stimulation but not with intercourse).

Let’s try to sort out some of the female orgasm myths from the facts. 

There are several myths regarding orgasm. These myths can sometimes cause problems for women and their partners.

Myth: An orgasm is always an earth-spinning, ground shaking, experience and there is something wrong with a woman if she is unable to reach orgasm.

Fact: The common expression of an orgasm is to feel repeated spasms/contraction in the pelvic floor muscles, but this is not always so. Some women have orgasms and don’t know it, that is you may not get that feeling of your pelvic floor muscles contracting but you might reach a peak of arousal after which you feel very relaxed and contented, the same feelings other women experience after a typical orgasm.

This is different from women who get very aroused and do not experience any orgasm who will sometimes feel “nervous” or “edgy” or even an aching discomfort in their pelvis. Thus that sated, happy feeling even when you did not ‘cum’ just proves that you actually did orgasm but with your feet still planted on planet earth

Myth: All “Normal” women reach orgasm through sex.

Fact: Out of 100 normal women, only one-third of women experience orgasm regularly during sex another one-third can reach orgasm with intercourse but they need extra physical or oral stimulation while the last one-third never achieve orgasm during intercourse but can do so by physical and/or oral stimulation. The fact is having orgasms by means other than intercourse is a normal part of female sexuality that must be embraced, it’s just one more proof how dynamic women are. Studies in the 1960’s showed that an orgasm is an orgasm no matter which way you obtain it, so try to find what works for you. How a woman reaches an orgasm has nothing to do with your mental health or emotional maturity or mean you are less ‘normal’.

Myth: Inability to reach orgasm, or anorgasmia means a woman is “frigid” or that there is something seriously wrong with her or her relationship.

Fact: Women who were able to have orgasms in the past but can no longer do so may simply be suffering from a medical problem, a psychological problem due to rap or some form of trauma or a side effect from medicines.While Women who have never had an orgasm may never have learned what type and duration of stimulation they need. So practice, practice practice 😉

Myth: If a woman cannot reach orgasm, then her partner is not a skillful lover.

Fact: While there are many ways a loving partner can help a woman reach orgasm, in the end you are the main person responsible for discovering your own sexual pleasure. This does not mean your partner should not be involved but communication between partners is very important. It is up to you to inform your partner on your likes and dislikes during love making.

Myth: A woman has to have an orgasm in order to enjoy sex. This myth seems to be more common among men than among women, because some women have given up on the concept of enjoying sex

Fact: Many women enjoy the closeness and physical intimacy of sex and are satisfied even if they do not, or do not always, have an orgasm.

What can you do?


Relax: It is possible you are trying too hard. Focus on enjoying the process, not on whether or not you will have an orgasm.

Communicate: Communicate with your partner your preferences when it comes to sex. You can have this  chat before sex as part of foreplay or during sex. Here’s a fact, your partner cannot read your mind. If you or your partner is doing something pleasurable, encourage him to continue.

Fantasize: Many women have trouble concentrating during sex; worrying about bills, assignments, tasks, children may be hard to turn off even during sex.

If that is the case, I advise you to fantasize, i.e., think about something sexual that excites you to get your head in the game and reduce negative emotions. If you feel that you are very close to achieving an orgasm, alternate tightening and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles as this can trigger a strong orgasm. Read about pelvic exercises for women here.

Lubricate: Using lubricants just makes sex more interesting. Contrary to the popular perception, It’s really not that big a deal, if you are not wet down there and it’s a common condition every woman experiences. Vaginal wetness, happens when aroused or at times of the month eg. when ovulating. However for one reason or the other, you may find you are a bit dry down there. Using a lubricant is an easy solution and compliments your natural wetness so there’s no pain to distract you from your orgasm.

Explore your body, Be positive: Learn to enjoy and feel comfortable with your sexuality and your body. Look at your body and appreciate it. Try to stimulate yourself, as this may help you find out you need stimulation before intercourse or discover that you are a woman who orgasms through stimulation only. Your current inability to have an orgasm does not make you less feminine, so stop putting yourself down because it will make it much more difficult to achieve an orgasm.

Postplay: For some couples, love making ends once the man ejaculates. Often, at this point the woman is very aroused. If this is the case, you might ask your partner to continue stimulating you with his hands or his mouth even if he is finished. Some women feel uncomfortable doing this, thinking that this would be selfish or that their partner would be bored or tired. In fact, your partner may enjoy giving you pleasure and might be feeling sad that he finished before you.

Try a Vibrator: Vibrators are devices that can supply more intense stimulation than can be obtained with either intercourse or manual stimulation. They can be especially helpful if you have an illness that makes it hard to reach orgasm, such as multiple sclerosis. They can be used by you or together with your partner as part of your love making.

Source/reference: The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada (SOGC)

Have you had an orgasm? Then share what works for you. and leave a comment below.


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